I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
