My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
