and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
