between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
