Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
