Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
