The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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