Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
