Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize