I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
