i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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