I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
