Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize