I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
