I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
