Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
