he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
