Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
