I accidentally had phone sex last night
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Randomize
