Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
