actually, I'm a sock model
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
