She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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