there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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