We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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