Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
