you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
