my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
