I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
