Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
