considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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