He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
