Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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