my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
