Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
