Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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