theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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