Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
