my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
