She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
