Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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