Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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