The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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