They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize