he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
