You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize