the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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