The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
