How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
