it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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