she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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