I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
