She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize