the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
