Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
