I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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