i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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