I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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