my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
