oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
