Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
