The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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