i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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